sprawdzenie, krótkie opowiadanie

Proszę o sprawdzenie i ewentualną poprawę
Zad. Opowiedz o ważnym dla Ciebie wydarzeniu np. urodziny, odpowiadając przy tym na poniższe pytania:
1. Where were you? / What were you doing? Who were you with?/ How old were you?
2. What happened? Describe the events. How did people react? How did you feel?
3. What happened in the end?

Mój tekst po polsku:
Ja pamiętam bardzo dobrze moje 16 urodziny. Zaprosiłam dużo gości na grilla. Moi przyjaciele Dali mi książki i inne drobnostki. Ja cieszyłam się, ponieważ lubię czytać. Moja mama dała mi wielki tort i średniej wielkości pudełko. Byłam rozczarowana. Przez jakiś czas ja nie otwarłam tego pudełka. Po jakimś czasie mama kazała mi je otworzyć. Kiedy otworzyłam pudełko, byłam zaskoczona! W środku siedział mały słodki kot. Ja bawiłam się z nim. Ja postanowiłam zanieść go do domu. Kiedy szłam, potknęłam się. Ja wpadłam w tort! to był najgorszy moment w moim życiu! Moja sukienka była cała od musu, a kot piszczał (miałczał), ponieważ uderzył się w stół. Wszyscy patrzyli się na mnie, a ja miałam ochotę się rozpłakać. Na koniec poszłam do swojego pokoju i tylko wyszłam pożegnać gości.


Po angielsku:
I remember my sixteen birthday a really well. I invitated a lot of guests on barbeque. My friends gave me books and other mere trifles. I was happy, because I like to read.
My mum gave me the large layer cake and the medium-sized box. I was disappointed. For some time I didn't open this box. After some time mum ordered me to open them. When I opened the box, I was surprised! Inside a small sweet cat. I played with him. I decided to carry it home. When I went, I stumbled. I fell into the cake! it was the worst moment in my life! My dress was in mousse, and the cat squeaked, because he hit in the table. Everyone watched on me, and I felt crying. In the end I went to my room and I only left to say goodbye to guests

sixteen = szesnaście
really well (bez a)
zaprosić - sprawdź, jak to się pisze
to a barbecue
mere trifles = zwyczajne błahostki, nie pasuje tu to, może and other thingies
tort i pudelko nie byly wczesniej znane czytelnikom, nie mozna tam uzyc 'the', pozostaje 'a'.
them? ile bylo tych pudelek?
w zdaniu o kotku nie ma czasownika. (w ogole myslalem, ze w pudelku byl pudelek)
zdecyduj sie' him' czy 'it'
'szlam' - bylas w trakcie, a wiec continuous
was all covered in mousse
squeaked = zapiszczal, zamiauczal. Bo 'piszczal, miauczal' to bedzie continuous
hit sth
'patrzec na' to ani watch ani on
I felt like crying

po prawkach:
I remember my sixteenth birthday really well. I inviteed a lot of guests to a barbecue. My friends gave me books and other thingies. I was happy, because I like to read.
My mum gave me a large layer cake and a one medium-sized box. I was disappointed. For some time I didn't open this box. After some time mum ordered me to open them. When I opened the box, I was surprised! Inside was a small sweet cat. I played with it. I decided to carry it home. When I was going, I stumbled. I fell into the cake! it was the worst moment in my life! My dress was covered in mousse, and the cat squeaked, because he bumped in the table. Everyone looked at me, and I felt like crying. In the end I went to my room and I only left to say goodbye to guests

zaprosiłaam? :-)
albo 'a', albo 'one'
them pochodzi od they, a pudelko bylo jedno
when I was going - czas ok, ale nie ten czasownik, nie zauwazylem wczesniej, sorry
when/as I was walking (mozesz napisac dokad)
squeaked - czyli zrobil to raz, ok
hit do dobry czasownik, ale po tym nie pisze się 'in', po prostu hit the table

to the guests (tych, ktorzy byli na przyjeciu)

"some time" to raczej zbyt dlugi czas ze ten kot przebywal w pudelku. Z kontekstu wnioskuje ze to sie odbylo w przeciagu moze kilkunastu minut. IMO moglbys to inaczej napisac zeby bardziej sensownie brzmialo.

z tym zaprosiłam to literowka :)


po prawkach:
I remember my sixteenth birthday really well. I invited a lot of guests to a barbecue. My friends gave me books and other thingies. I was happy, because I like to read.
My mum gave me a large layer cake and a one medium-sized box. I was disappointed. For some time I didn't open this box. After some time mum ordered me to open its. When I opened the box, I was surprised! Inside was a small sweet cat. I played with it. I decided to carry it home. When I was walking at the home, I stumbled. I fell into the cake! it was the worst moment in my life! My dress was covered in mousse, and the cat squeaked, because he hit the table. Everyone looked at me, and I felt like crying. In the end I went to my room and I only left to say goodbye to guests

a one usun one
nie at the home, po prostu 'home'
ale to dziwne. czy grill byl daleko od domu? Jezeli tak, to 'w drodze do domu' znaczy 'gdzie na ulicy'
Jezeli grill byl w ogrodzie przy domu, to lepiej napisz 'do wejscia' 'towards the entrance'

po prawkach:
I remember my sixteenth birthday really well. I invited a lot of guests to a barbecue. My friends gave me books and other thingies. I was happy, because I like to read.
My mum gave me a large layer cake and a medium-sized box. I was disappointed. For some time I didn't open this box. After some time mum ordered me to open its. When I opened the box, I was surprised! Inside was a small sweet cat. I played with it. I decided to carry it home. When I was walking towards the entrance, I stumbled. I fell into the cake! it was the worst moment in my life! My dress was covered in mousse, and the cat squeaked, because he hit the table. Everyone looked at me, and I felt like crying. In the end I went to my room and I only left to say goodbye to guests