Rozprawka maturalna

Hej czy mógłby ktoś sprawdzic moja rozprawkę maturalna? Temat to: Wiele osób uważa, że sklepiki szkolne nie powinny sprzedawać słodyczy i jedzenia typu
fast food. Napisz rozprawkę, w której przedstawisz swoją opinię na ten temat, rozważając
go z punktu widzenia uczniów oraz właścicieli sklepików szkolnych.

More and more people are thinking that school shops shouldn't sell sweets and fast food. This solution has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, a lot of students want to eat chips, bars or junk food sometimes. This is not dangerous, when they don't do that too often. Moreover, it can make a lot of fun for them. In addition, sellers may earn some extra money, which can be dedicated for trips or different pleasures. Last but not least is that some chocolate may improve your brain work. For instance, your concentration will be better, and you probably may remember more things.

On the other hand, eating too many sweets and fast food have tragic consequences for health. For instance, it can even result in diabetes! Besides, more pupils spend too much cash on school shops. A lot of parents give their children pocket money and the students often lay out all of them for sweets! Apart from that, in some situations it causes sugar addiction and needs special treatment. 

In conclusion, this solution has a lot of benefits but also some bad sides. To my mind, selling sweets and fast food in school shops is a great option. 

More and more people 'are thinking' (tutaj mozna napisac 'conside') that school shops shouldn't sell sweets and fast food. This 'solution' (nie, bo tutaj mowisz o pukt widzenia, cos takiego) has both advantages and disadvantages.

On the one hand, a lot of students want to eat chips, (tutaj trzeba dodac 'chocolate') bars or junk food sometimes.
Moreover, 'it' (daj tutaj slowo 'this' bo mowisz dalej o tym samym)can 'make' (zle slowo, tutaj 'give' - dac im) a lot of 'fun' (lepsze slowo 'pleasure) for them. In addition, sellers may earn some extra money, which can be dedicated for trips or different 'pleasures' (nie, daj inne slowo). Last (daj tutaj przecinek) but not least is that some chocolate may improve your 'brain work' (wystarczy 'brain).

On the other hand, eating too many sweets and fast food 'have' (has, dlatego ze 'eating has consequences') tragic consequences for (brak przedimka 'the') health.
Besides, more pupils spend too much cash 'on' (in-w) school shops. A lot of parents give their children pocket money and the students often 'lay out' (to troche kolokw - lepiej 'spend) all of 'them' (tutaj 'it' money-it) for sweets! Apart from that, in some situations 'it causes' (nie, zrob 'this can cause') sugar addiction 'and needs' (moze 'requiring' albo 'needing') special treatment. 

In conclusion, 'this solution' (nie, bo nie alej 'solution' lepiej 'problem' czy cos podobnego) has a lot of benefits (przecinek) but also some 'bad sides' (moze 'disadvantages'). To my mind, selling sweets and fast food in school shops is a great option, (tutaj mozna dodac 'as it may teach children responsibility for their own health-daj to po swojemu).

Ja bym nie powiedział o jedzeniu jak słodycze itp że są dangerous, podobnie nie użyłbym tragic consequences w dalszej części zadania.