Proszę o sprawdzenie opowiadania.

Napisz opowiadanie zaczynające się od słów: “When Jamie heard a noise in the garden, he got up to look out of the window”.

Ah, ta siła oddziaływania mojej pracy maturalnej z polskiego na moje konstruowanie opowiadań. Ale to nie rozprawka :).


When Jamie heard a noise in the garden, he got up to look out of the window. It was a cold, autumnal night and a thickest fog he ever saw limited visibility so Jamie couldn’t see anything. He decided to go outside and check what the hell is going on. He was really frightened. I don’t see anything weird in that fact, because Jamie was 12 year old boy and his parents left him without any care, because they chosen better New Year party, and they just didn’t have money for child minder. Finally, when Jamie went outside he sweated bullets because he saw similar scene in horror which he watched last night. He decided to go back into house to take his father flamethrower. He felt more confident with it.
Weird noise was growing every second, owls were looking hostile at Jamie, he felt surrounded. Boy realized that this noise comes from his tree house. When he asked “who’s that?” suddenly all noises stopped. Jamie thought that he isn’t safe. His instinct of survival suggested him that he must fight if he want to life. He made a quick decision and started to shooting from a flamethrower. It was a old, decayed wood so it ignited really easily. When fuel ends he decided to look what was in that tree house. There were his burned friends but I wasn’t easy to recognize who exactly he was just killed. Happily for him, he was interested in dentistry and he recognized them by their teeth. He knew everything about his friends teeth because he liked watching them when they were smiling. He decided to erase all traces of his brutal murder. He dig huge hole in the ground and buried his friends.
Now Jamie is 43 and he got never catch by police. They weren’t any suspicions to him.
Now, on this small graveyard is sandpit for his children. He count on that they weren’t dig too deep.

When Jamie heard a noise in the garden, he 'got' mozna tez 'rose') up to look out of the window. It was a cold, autumnal night and 'a' THE thickest fog he ever saw limited visibility so Jamie couldn’t see anything. He decided to go outside and check 'what the hell' (to wg mnie jest za bardzo kolokw) 'is' (zly czas, przeszly WAS) going on.
'I don’t see anything' (nie wiem, czy to ma byc twoja opinia, ale lepiej pisac bezimmiennie, tutaj There is nothing) weird in that fact, because Jamie was (brak przedimka) 12 year old boy and his parents left him without any care, because they HAD chosen 'better' (niepotr, ale brakuje przedimka) New Year party, and they just didn’t have (przedimek) money for (przedimek) child minder. Finally, when Jamie went outside he sweated 'bullets' (to jest zle slowo, tutaj 'buckets') because he saw (brak przedimka) similar scene in (przedimek) horror which he watched last night. He decided to go back into (przedimek) house to take his father'S flamethrower.
(brak przedimka) weird noise was 'growing' (nie za bardzo pasuje, moze tutaj 'coming closer) every second, owls were looking hostile at Jamie, he felt surrounded. (przedimek) boy realized that this noise 'comes' CAME from his tree house. When he 'asked' (tutaj mozna tez 'shouted') “who’s that?” suddenly all noises stopped. Jamie thought that he 'isn’t' WASN'T safe. His instinct of survival suggested TO him that he must fight if he wantED to 'life' ('life' to jest rzeczownik, a tutaj potrzeba czasownika, 'LIVE'). He made a quick decision and started 'to' (niepotr) shooting from 'a' THE (bo wiemy ze chodzi o konkretny) flamethrower. 'It' (lepiej napisz co to bylo) was aN old, decayed wood so it ignited really easily. When (przedimek) fuel endED he decided to look what was in that tree house. There were (napisz tutaj..the remains of) his burned friends, (przecinek przed 'but') but I wasn’t easy to recognize whoM exactly he 'was' HAD just killed.
He knew everything about his friends' teeth because he liked watching them when they were smiling.
He 'dig' (zly czas, tutaj past, DUG) (przedimek) huge hole in the ground and buried his friends.
Now Jamie is 43 and he HAS 'got' (niepotr) never BEEN CAUGHT 'catch' (niepotr) by (przedimek) police. They weren’t any suspicions 'to' ON him.
Now, on this small graveyard is (przedimek) sandpit for his children. He countS on 'that' THE FACT THAT they 'weren’t' (to jest zle, tutaj WOULD NOT) dig too deepLY.

a co z tymi przedimkami?

Przeczytałem artykuł na wikipedii o przedimkach, ale widocznie będę musiał przeczytać jeszcze raz.
"When Jamie heard a noise in the garden, he 'got' mozna tez 'rose')" Początek mam narzucony w treści polecenia.
"'better' (niepotr, ale brakuje przedimka) New Year party," Dlaczego niepotrzebne? Zamiast wynająć opiekunkę to woleli te pieniądze przeznaczyć na lepszego sylwestra.
"weated 'bullets' (to jest zle slowo, tutaj 'buckets')" Źle, bo potocznie, tak? Bo brałem to ze słownika.
Jak tak czytam poprawione i swoje, to aż się dziwię, że takie głupie błędy czasami robię.
Dzięki, potem poprawię.

...him without any care, because they HAD chosen TO HAVE A better New Year party, and they just didn’t have the money for a child minder.

Poprawiłem.

When Jamie heard a noise in the garden, he got up to look out of the window. It was a cold, autumnal night and thethickest fog he ever saw limited visibility so Jamie couldn’t see anything. He decided to go outside and check what the hell was going on.
He was really frightened.
There is nothing weird in that fact, because Jamie was a 12 year old boy and his parents left him without any care, because they had chosen a better New Year party, and they just didn’t have a money for a child minder. Finally, when Jamie went outside he sweated buckets because he saw a similar scene in the horror which he watched last night. He decided to go back into a house to take his father's flamethrower.
The weird noise was coming closer every second, owls were looking hostile at Jamie, he felt surrounded. The boy realized that this noise came from his tree house. When he shouted “who’s that?”. Suddenly, all noises (nie musi być tu HAS?) stopped. Jamie thought that he wasn't safe. His instinct of survival suggested to him that he must fight if he wanted to live. He made a quick decision and started shooting from the flamethrower. The tree house was made of an old, decayed wood so it ignited really easily. When a fuel ended, he decided to look what was in that tree house. There were the remains of his burned friends, but it wasn’t easy to recognize whom exactly he had just killed.
He knew everything about his friends's teeth because he liked watching them when they were smiling.
He dug a huge hole in the ground and buried his friends.
Now Jamie is 43 and he has never been caught by the police. They weren’t any suspicions on him.
Now, on this small graveyard is the sandpit for his children. He counts on the fact that they wouldn't dig too deeply.