Sprawdzenie letter of application

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your advertisement, which was published on the town website, connected with a job offer. I am very interested in it and I would like to apply for the position of english language fitness instructor.
I would like fulfill my dreams and the opportunity to gain some work experience.
I am 18 years old and I have just finished a highschool. Moreover I speak English fluently. I participated in many fitness courses. I won a nationwide contest for the best yoga instructor.
I would like work with teens, becouse they are my peers. I am interesting in work afternoons.
I am punctual and athletic person.
I would be grateful if I could be asked for coming for the interview.
I am enclosing CV and the name of referee from Jan Kowalski. His number is 345 213 213.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
XYZ

Dear Sir or Madam,

I am writing in response to your advertisement which was published on the town's website and is connected with a job offer. I am very interested in it and I would like to apply for the position of an English language (co tu miałaś na myśli?) fitness instructor.
I would like fulfill my dreams and, what's more, this is an opportunity to gain work experience.
I am 18 years old and I have just graduated high school. Moreover, I speak English fluently. I participated in many fitness courses and won a nationwide (może lepiej national) contest for the best yoga instructor.
I would like to work with teens, because they are my peers. I am interested (albo I would prefer to work) in working in the afternoons.
I am a punctual and athletic person.
I would be grateful if I could be asked for coming for the interview.*
I am enclosing CV and the name of referee (cokolwiek to miało znaczyć... chyba chodziło o "character reference") from Jan Kowalski. His number is 345 213 213.
I am looking forward to hearing from you.
Yours faithfully,
XYZ

*konstrukcja "I would be grateful if you could do something for me" znaczy mniej więcej "Był(a)bym wdzięczna/y, gdybyś coś dla mnie zrobił" i jest raczej mocno oficjalna. Szczerze mówiąc wykreśliłabym to zdanie, ale jak już musi zostać to trzeba to przeredagować, np. I would be glad if I was invited for a job interview.
No i zaczynanie każdego zdania od "I"... Nie brzmi to ładnie, ale widzę, że to chyba zadanko maturalne, więc ujdzie.

I would like TO fulfill my dreams and, what's more, this is an opportunity to gain work experience.
I am 18 years old and I have just graduated FROM high school. 'Moreover' (calkowicie niepotr), I speak English fluently.

Nie zaczynaj kazdego zdania z 'I'...

To "from" jest tutaj niepotrzebne: http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/british/graduate_2
A "moreover" powiedziałabym, że opcjonalne.

kochana, nie ucz grandmother how to suck eggs....

UK to complete a first university degree successfully
Lorna graduated FROM the University of London.
Tom has just graduated with first-class honours in psychology.
• [I or T] US to complete school, college or university correctly
After he graduated high school, he joined the Army.

@terri: Nie musisz być wredna, może trudno Ci to sobie wyobrazić, ale jak się trochę postarasz, to bycie (chociaż) neutralnym też jest możliwe.

After he graduated high school, he joined the Army, wskazywało na to, że tak też się da.

... English speaking fitness instructor.

>>>>: Nie musisz być wredna, może trudno Ci to sobie wyobrazić, ale jak się trochę postarasz, to bycie (chociaż) neutralnym też jest możliwe.
...nie, ja musze byc wredna, bo tego moja 'public' oczekuje.

terri@

You're our 'Iron Lady'. You don't like being taught how to suck eggs. Fair enough.

Opresja@ take terri's a little bit snooty tone tongue-in-cheek. Terri knows what's what, believe me:)

oh grudziu,
you know me so well -:)

I agree ..Terri could become Prime Minister ;)