Sprawdzenie opowiadania maturalnego

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Two years ago in Edinburg took place one of the most unexpectable event in his life. I can assure you that you'll keep that story in your minds for a long time.
As I said, two years ago in Edinburg lived a man named Mark who very poor and hardly made ends meet because he had to fend for himself from his childhood. He lived in a ramshackle, small house and often hadn't anything to eat.
There arrived a day, when he saved 250£ that he'd been putting by for two years. He decided to spend it for his dreamy trip to Paris. He packed his suitcases and went out to the airport. He was very excited and pleasantly surprised because the airport wasn't so enormous that he'd used to watch in TV. As he was on the point of buying a ticket, he noticed that the screen with arrivals and departures hours was not working. The people became nervous and frantically tried to get some information. Out of the blue, Mark was asked by one of the airport manager to take a paper with departures hours, stand at the balcony and read as loud as he could the information to the crowd. He got dumbfounded, but meekly agreed. Mark started reading the info aloud and very quickly aroused everyone's interest. Although he was ashamed, (he?) proceeded to read the hours. When the screen got fixed, Mark got down the stairs and became acclaimed by the crowd. Without hesitation the airport manager gave him a proposal to join the airport staff. Mark agreed ...
Two years ago in Edinburg took place one of the most unexpectable event in his lifeKOGO?. I can assure you that you'll keep that story in your minds for a long time.
As I said, two years ago in Edinburg lived a man named Mark who BRAK SLOWA very poor and hardly made ends meet because he had to fend for himself from <--ZLE SLOWO his childhood. He lived in a ramshackle, small house and often hadn't anything to eat.
There arrived a day, when he saved 250£ that he'd been putting by for two years. He decided to spend it for his dreamy trip to Paris. He packed his suitcases and went out to the airport. He was very excited and pleasantly surprised because the airport wasn't so enormous that LEPIEJ AS...AS he'd used to watch in>--ZLE SLOWO TV. As he was on the point of buying a ticket, he noticed that the screen with arrivals and departures hours was not working. The people became nervous and frantically tried to get some information. Out of the blue, Mark was asked by one of the airport manager to take a paper with departures hours, stand at the balcony and read as loud as he could the information to the crowd. He got dumbfounded, but meekly agreed. Mark started reading the info aloud and very quickly aroused everyone's interest. Although he was ashamed, (he?) HE proceeded to read the hours. When the screen got fixed, Mark got down the stairs and became acclaimed by the crowd. Without hesitation the airport manager gave him a proposal to join the airport staff. Mark agreed ...
who was very poor*
No w jego życiu, bo ja opisuje jego życie tak jakby.
since his childhood i on the TV ?
ok
ok
A jak widzisz interpunkcje?
1 przecinek bym usunal
po out of the blue?
jeden z managerów (l.mn)
ashamed ja bym raczej nie użył w tym kontekście.
edytowany przez Aaric: 18 kwi 2015
np,
a small ramshackle house;)
He lived in a ramshackle, small house and often 'hadn't' (moze lepiej daj to w calosc) anything to eat.
He decided to spend it 'for' (nie, to jest zle slowo, tutaj ON) his 'dreamy' (calkowicie zle slowo) trip to Paris. He was very excited and pleasantly surprised because the airport wasn't 'so' (zle slowo) enormous that LEPIEJ AS...AS he'd (tu brakuje slowa, pomysl o czasie) used to 'watch' (zle slowo) in>'--ZLE SLOWO TV. As he was on the point of buying a ticket, he noticed that the screen 'with' (ja bym tutaj dala inne slowo - np 'showing the) arrivals and departures hours was not working. 'The people' (ale tutaj trzeba napisac kto to byl, czy to byli ludzie juz w departures?) became nervous and frantically tried to get some information. Out of the blue, Mark was asked by one of the airport 'manager' (pomysl, tutaj l. mn) to take a paper with departures hours, stand at the balcony and read as loud as he could the (ale jaka? trzeba napisac) information to the crowd. He 'got' (nie za bardzo, tutaj lepiej 'was') dumbfounded, but meekly agreed. Mark started reading the 'info' (w calosci) aloud and very quickly 'aroused' (ja bym tego slowa tutaj nie dala, bo 'arousal' to calkowicie cos innego, kojarzy sie z seksem...ktorego chyba tam nie bylo) everyone's interest. Although he was ashamed (ale czego?) HE proceeded to read the hours. (tutaj ja bym dodala pare tych godxzin i gdzie samoloty lecialy...zeby dodac cos do tej opowiesci, np. 15.00 Tenerife gate 3, 15.30 Dublin gate 4). When the screen got fixed, Mark 'got' (nie uzywaj tego slowa, bo to jest za dziwne slowo do pojecia, pisz normalnie, 'went') down the stairs and became acclaimed by the crowd.
Wymarzony to 'dream' ?

Cytat:
he'd (tu brakuje slowa, pomysl o czasie) used to 'watch' (zle slowo)

A jakiego słowa brakuje tutaj? been?
I zamiast watch chodzi ci o to żeby bylo see?

Cytat:
the (ale jaka? trzeba napisac) information

chodzi o te informacje na kartce o których mowa wczesniej.

Cytat:
aroused' (ja bym tego slowa tutaj nie dala, bo 'arousal' to calkowicie cos innego, kojarzy sie z seksem...ktorego chyba tam nie bylo) everyone's interest.

Czyli wyrażenie arouse sb's interest odnosi się tylko do atrakcyjnosci itp?

Cytat:
ashamed (ale czego?)

Więc może embarrassed, uneasy?
W jakim kontekscie zatem używa sie ashamed?

Cytat:
a small ramshackle house;

W angielskim nie oddziela sie wyliczeń przymiotnikow?
Np,
dream trip
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