Sprawdzenie listu motywacyjnego

Witam, bardzo proszę o sprawdzeni/ poprawę mojego listu motywacyjnego będę bardzo wdzięczny za pomoc.
To co udało mi się napisać zamieszczam poniżej:)

Dear Sirs,
I am writing in response to your advertisement posted on pracuj.pl website. I would like to apply for the position of XXXXX
I have X years experience of working as shop manager. During my time as shop manager I improved my knowledge of sales data analysis, teamworks and team building. During my time as shop manager I was responsible for analysis and optimization of key performance indicators (efficiency of working time, sickness absenteeism, loss) and preparation of internal company documentation. Whilst working at shop manager I became highly competent in accounting. During my work I was responsible for keeping revenue and expense ledger. I have also experience in preparing sales reports and budgets.
I would be well suited to the position because I have required experience and education. I completed postgraduate studies with specialization Controlling and Audit in the company. During my postgraduate studies I was the author of a thesis on the financial liquidity in the company. In my thesis I made evaluation financial liquidity at XXX I.n.c. My thesis was evaluated very well. During my graduate studies I learned to financial analysis, budgeting, financial reporting.
My professional skills appear to be well suited to your company's requirements. I believe I possess the right combination of logical thinking and analytical skills . My strengths are excellent communication skills and ability to work in a group. Even under pressure I can maintain high standards. My strength is very good knowledge of office applications. I am an experienced user of MS Excel and MS Power Point . I completed training in doing multimedia presentations.
I would welcome the chance to speak with you about a possible employment match and can be reached at XXX-XXX-XXX. Thank you for your time and consideration of my attached resume , and I look forward to hearing from you.

Too long!
Sprobuj polaczyc zdania, np.

Zamiast:
I am writing in response to your advertisement posted on pracuj.pl website. I would like to apply for the position of XXXXX.

To:
I would like to apply for the position of X posted on the pracuj.pl website.

Nastepnych kilka zdan zaczyna Ci sie tak samo: during my time albo whilst. Brzmi strasznie.

I zamiast Dear Sirs napisz Dear Hiring Manager

Witam, dziękuję za szybką odpowiedź. Jak rozumiem cały list motywacyjny jest za długi? Wiem ,że zrobiłem powtórzenia ale chciałem zachować poprawne zwroty , postaram się inaczej zaczynać zdania aby nie było powtórzeń. Czy ogólnie jest ok czy są jeszcze elementy które powinienem poprawić w pierwszej kolejności?

- (efficiency of working time, sickness absenteeism, loss)
nie wiem o co chodzi z tym loss; loss czego?
-I made evaluation financial liquidity at XXX I.n.c.
I evaluated financial liquidity of XXX Inc.
-During my graduate studies I learned to financial analysis, budgeting, financial reporting.
bez to: I learned financial analysis
-I completed postgraduate studies with specialization Controlling and Audit in the company.
…studies in Controlling and Audit.
-My professional skills appear to be well suited…
I believe that my professional skills are well suited…. (no reason to be modest; modest people don't get jobs)

Na pewno cos jeszcze przeoczylam, bo sie spiesze. Ogolnie to jest bardzo dobrze napisany list, ale to wszystko mozna napisac krocej. Jesli sprobujesz sam, to moge na to rzucic okiem jutro poznym poludniem Twojego czasu. Mozesz mi wiadomosc wyslac.

Witam,
Dziękuję za pomoc, poprawiony list motywacyjny przesłałem Pani w prywatnej wiadomości.