It was a late, wintery evening, pitch black all around. After a little yackety-yak with my friend I got on the train and took a seat. Not a long distance to cover, a good moment to learn history. In cloud cuckoo land I got white earplugs from my bag.
A moment later I felt my heart put on weight. For the first time in my life I felt terrestrial gravitation's powerfulness. I could not move, my body was so heavy I thought I cannot resist it any longer. What I did was to turn my head to the window so that nobody could see terrified my face. I felt so much pain I wanted to die, wanted to kill myself right away, throw myself on the ground and start screaming or find something that could express my sudden hysterics, divert my attention from THAT feeling. I felt ugly, crass, worthless, lonely. All my problems cumulated and exploded in my head. If you, god, exist, why, why was I born; I did not receive any answer, though I asked insistently. At my railway station I somehow managed to do pull myself together.
It was my worst life experience. I do not consider it as the most important one, but it changed my life a little bit. During my therapy, attendance to which is the consequence of this culminating moment, I am gradually discovering causes of my mental condition and learning how to deal with my entanglement. As against to some of my friends' problems, I do not consider mine as life-threatening or oh-no-what-am-I-going-to-do-so-serious
one, yet it exists. What is more, there probably is a way out and people around are also help me a lot.
The most significant consequence of this experience is one thing that I learned by fortune. So obvious yet how helpful when you are aware of its existence. It is about my being human, not superman. Surprising, isn't it? At least, for me it still is.