Opowiadanie. Prośba o sprawdzenie.

byłabym wdzięczna, gdyby ktoś doświadczony bądź z gruntowną wiedzą mógł sprawdzić to opowiadanie :)

A local radio station is running a competition. To enter the competition you must submit a detective story. Use 2[tel]words.

Fancy a cigarette? Smoking kills!

“The decease must have occurred between 1 a.m. and 2 a.m.” said the investigating police officer when he examined the bloody corpse of Rick Evans, the key figure of tobacco industry. Detective Bradley nodded, fixing his glance on the gilt statuette of African pagan god lying next to the victim. Why hadn’t the murderer taken it to avoid the risk of leaving his fingerprints? It was still a mystery to Bradley, but he had at least the crime instrument.

Having searched the living room, George Bradley came to the standstill. Not only could he perceive no traces of the burglary, but he also found the house unusually clean as if nothing had happened at all. Then, one thing caught his attention. The leather notebook was opened on the third page, inscriptions saying: “10.p.m.: Zach Mikes –
a meeting”. The conclusions were obvious. That was it! The influential businessman competing with Evans for domination on the market would have an evident motive.

Bradley was very close to the solution but something jarred. Why had Evans invited the murderer to his place? Was he unaware of the danger? He entered the kitchen when the truth struck him, all the elements of the puzzle matching.

It was the guest’s glass that was filled with poisoned drink! And it was Zach Mikes who was supposed to be killed. Rick Evans had made only one mistake he paid for with his life – he had underestimated his opponent.


Dziękuję.

A local radio station is running a competition. To enter the
>competition you must submit a detective story. Use 2[tel]words.
>
>Fancy a cigarette? Smoking kills!
>
>“The decease must have occurred between 1-2 a.m(przecinek)" said
>the investigating (investigative albo investigating a crime) police officer when he examined the bloody corpse of
>Rick Evans, the key figure of the tobacco industry. Detective Bradley
>nodded, fixing his glance (dałbym gaze, albo fixing a statuette..with a glance/look/stare) on the gilt (chyba literówka) statuette of AN African pagan god
>lying next to the victim. Why hadn't the murderer taken it to avoid
>the risk of leaving his fingerprints? It was still a mystery to
>Bradley, but he had at least the crime instrument.
>
>Having searched the living room, George Bradley came to the (A)
>standstill (raczej o korkach się tak mówi, lepiej he was at a loss, he was on a sticky wicket, he felt helpless). Not only could he perceive no traces of the burglary, but he also found the house unusually clean as if nothing had happened at all (at all bym pominął). Then, one thing caught his attention. The leather notebook was
>opened on the third page, inscriptions saying: “10.p.m.: Zach Mikes -
>a meeting". The conclusions were obvious. That was it! The influential
>businessman competing with Evans for domination on the market would
>have an evident motive (tu można by dodać coś)
>
>Bradley was very close to the solution (dałbym solving..) but something jarred (dałbym jarred with..) Why had
>Evans invited the murderer to his place? Was he unaware of the danger?
>He entered the kitchen when the truth struck him, all the elements of
>the puzzle matching.
>
>It was the guest's glass that was filled with poisoned drink! And it
>was Zach Mikes who was supposed to be killed. Rick Evans had made only
>one mistake; he paid for (co?) with his (można own) life - he had underestimated his opponent.

It's a well-written and suspense-filled story. Nice!
Keep up the good work. You can write even longer stories :)

he decease must have occurred between 1-2 a.m(przecinek)" said

Looks a bit weird :) I mean - 1-2 a.m.,"
In some cases we can put comma behind "1-2 a.m.", said..

Ciekaw jestem co inni na to.

The 'decease' (co to jest?- tutaj DEATH) must have occurred between 1-2 a.m said the investigating (investigating jest ok) police officer..
Detective Bradley nodded, fixing his glance (gaze jest ok) on the gilt statuette...
..Bradley, but he had at least the 'crime instrument' (instrument of the crime).
The leather notebook was opened on the third page, 'inscriptions' WITH THE INSCRIPTION 'saying' (inscriptions nic nie moga mowic-one po prostu sa)..
The influential businessman competing with Evans for THE domination 'on' OF the market would have an evident motive.
Bradley was very close to the solution (dałbym solving-solving jest zle- tutaj rzeczownik-solution) but something jarred HIM.
Rick Evans had made only one mistake; he paid for (co?- this error) with his own life...

slownictwo 'zaoceaniczne'

crime instrument - “murder weapon”
(bez wzgledu czy jest to sztucer czy lyzka)

Decease - w terminologi prprawniczej oznacza zgon :)

investingating police officer - racja, pomyślałem, że chciała o śledczym po prostu napisać, wtedy investigative by wystarczyło

solving źle? - he was very close to sth i close to doing sth - bliski zrobienia czegoś - był bliski rozwiązania tej całej zagadki - nie powiedziałbym, że soving można całkowicie wykluczyć :)

jarred him - to coś jakby nim wstrząsnęło, a autorce chyba chodziło o to, że coś się nie zgadzalo, nie pasowało. Stąd moje jarred with czymś tam.. Choć trzeba poczekać na zdanie autorki.

he paid for with his own life - zdecydowanie brakowało tu czegoś (this error - aż tak bardzo zależało jej na domyśle czytelnika? :)

Ogólnie rzecz biorąc, to widać, że dziewczyna dużo czyta i wie co chce napisać. Zgodzicie się?

merix kochanie,
Decease....przegladnelam mojego Wyld'a - masz racje, ale ja wole nazywac spade a spade - death!.
solving- wymaga czegos eg. solving the crime/murder etc

Solving mi od razu podpasowało, gdyby tam dodać solving that mystery, czy coś w ten deseń :)

Dziękuję za wszystkie odpowiedzi.
Co do wątpliwości:
1. jarred - chodziło o wyrażenie "coś zgrzytało, nie pasowało". Słowo użyte eksperymentalnie, teraz myślę, że może 'jarred with the rest' byłoby właściwie (?)
2. 'Rick Evans had made only one mistake he paid for with his life' - zdecydowanie zapłacił za 'mistake' :)
3. "fixing his glance on' - z tego, co wiem, 'glance' chodzi z 'fix' w związku, stąd jego użycie. W przypadku 'gaze' pewności nie mam.
4. 'decease' i tak bym zostawiła - mam słabość do wyszukanych słówek. Chyba, że faktycznie jest użyte nie na miejscu :)
5. A może zamiast solution wstawiłabym 'answer'?

Jeszcze raz dziękuję za sprawdzenie.

Odnośnie do gaze, możesz być spokojna :) W kościuszkowskim Słowniku u mnie występuje i nie tylko :)

jarred - właśnie, tak myślałem, to wtedy jarred with sth.., the rest to takie jakieś za proste jak na taką historię :) Może by tak pokusić się o wprowadzenie nutki tajemnicy :) Czytelnicy lubią spicy threads.

ja bym wstawił "solving i dodał coś do tego" :)