Wiersz sprawdzenie tłumaczenia.

Bardzo proszę o sprawdzenie poprawności tego tekstu pod względem gramatycznym i może jeszcze przetłumaczenia na polski, żebym sprawdził czy przekaz jest dobry.

One romantic evening
She came to him.
They were sitting alone.
and admiring glow of their eyes,
for a long time.

But finally she spoke - "Fuck you prick!"
He said in confusion this sentence:

"In my dream i want to
Move you to the land of pain and suffering,
kill you softly,
use the knife to dab your mouth
with deadly accuracy
and stroke your cold hands.

Then I'll make sure if you are empty,
to end your agony.
Finally I'll spit you,
and make the picture from your saliva. "


It seemed that there was nothing to disturb this mood,
and glow'll forever light up their faces,

but..

Fuck! There was a power failure!

and admiring THE glow of their eyes,
for a long time.

But finally she spoke - "Fuck you prick!"
He said 'in confusion' CONFUSED BY this sentence:
...
"In my dream 'i' (duza litera) want to
...
Then I'll make sure if you are 'empty' (nie za trafne slowo),
to end your agony.
Finally I'll spit you,
and make 'the' A picture from your saliva. "

It seemed that there was nothing to disturb this mood,
and THE glow'll forever light up their faces,
but..

Dziękuję bardzo.
A tak to reszta dobrze?
Może być:

Then I'll make sure if you are hollow
to end your agony
(to ma być w stylu "upewnie się że jesteś pusta, żeby zakończyć twoje konanie")
?

Then I'll make sure if you are 'hollow' (jest takie slowo 'bereft' - zobacz czy lepiej pasuje)
to end your agony

Dopiero zauwazylam, tutaj 'if' nie pasuje, powinno byc WHEN
Then I'll make sure WHEN you are BEREFT
to end your agony

dzięki. a moze byc jeszcze cos takiego:

Finally I'll spit you,
and make a picture from saliva on you.

Finally I'll spit ON you,
and 'make (lepiej 'DRAW' a picture from MY saliva on you.