dobrze napisałem podanie o pracę?

Dear Sir,
I am writing to apply for the position of barman which wa sdvertised in Thursday`s edition of Rzeczpospolita.
I graduated from the Secondary school in Siedliszcze. In 2000 I participate in the course for barmans. For the last year I was employed as barman in club in Chełm. Before this I worked as reporter in local TV. I speak English and some German.
I am sociable, kind, hard working and I have good communication skills.
I have enclosed a copy of my CV and I would be glad to attend an interview at any time convenient to you.

Yours faithfully,
XYZ

male poprawki
After graduating from the Secondary school in Siedliszcze in XXXX, I participateD in A course to improve my skills as a barman.
..I was employed as A barman in A club in Chelm.
Prior to this, I worked ...
I speak English (fluently?) and German (communicatively?)
- imho lepiej jak wiekszosc zdan nie zaczyna sie od 'I'.