Za krótkie, za szybko sie akcja toczy:)
Pomysł ciekawy!
A STRANGE ENCOUNTER
One day Peter was walking in a park. That was a very cold and shrouded in smoke day with the full moon in the sky. Walking like that he must have felt cold, so he decied to find some pub he would stop by.
>He entered in (bez in) the *(nie powiedzialbym ze -the- bo nie wprowadzasz czytelnika w szczególy,jaki to bar (nazwa np) tylko ze jest tam cieplo - w kazdym barze jest cieplo:D - powiedzialbym raczej ze* What he found was A NICE bar. Without much thinking he walked in and felt great warm that was making him getting warp up. HE FELT so good that quickly forgot about a nippy day. Next, he took off his overcoat and approached A counter. Peter ordered two warm beerS. When he was
>drinking his drink (po co powtarzac) somebody approached to him. That was a man. He
>looked very old. He had AN ugly jacket and A green beret. He said to Peter:
>'When it will (zadne will- po when z reguly nie ma will) you heard that clockwise is srucking nine o' clock after midnight (PLEASE) watch out on your own, (lepiej WATCH YOUR STEP lub be very careful).
>Before Peter HAD said something the man quickly (suddenly) broke away (disappeared). Peter was very
>astonished (mozna lepiej IT made him feel strange /it astonished him for a second )but he thought it was JUST a cranky (cranky?? moze senile) old (jak senile to nie old:D) man. Peter ended *FINISHED OFF) his
>drink and WENT back to (bez to) home.
>
>Peter was going (walking) on the sidewalk. (ON GOING HOME) he came to (AT A) tram station (stop). He sat down and was Awaiting (wyczekiwac , oczekiwac lepiej tu pasuje, jakbys chcial jednak uzyc czasownika TO WAIT - to powinno byc HE WAS WAITING FOR THE TRAM) to (bez to) his tram. Peter saw his tram which was bringing nearer. (Peter saw the tram coming)
>Then he looked on time (HE LOOKED AT HIS WATCH). It was nine o'clock p.m. Suddenly somebody
>pushed him in railway (ON THE TRACK). Peter saw the light on the tram and then he
>felt very strange.
>
> Peter was seeing very long and very black tunnel which in the end was
>very shine light (niepoprawne zdanie). He started go there. Suddenly )znów to suddenly)he was (FOUND HIMSELF BEING) in A very big (lepsze sa słówka niz tylko big:) and
>A green glade. It was very beautiful There. Peter understood that he is
>in Eden some kind of a paradise). He didn't worry that he didn't life (przemysl to zdanie jeszcze raz :)). He was very happy and
>this was the best. (Kiepskie zakończenie-popracuj nad tym)
(Prawie wcale nie uzywasz wyrazów łączących, które by nadaly tej hostoryjce wiecej elastycznosci i spójności)
Powtarzasz bezustannie (PETER, PETER...PETER), pomysl nad czyms co mogłoby zstapic ten wyraz. Staraj sie kładac zdania tak by uniknąc ciąglego powtarzanie tego slowa.
Jesli jestes w stanie to rozbuduj niektóre zdania tak by przygotowac czytelnika troche na to co ma sie stac:)